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Friday, April 18th, 2003
7:40 pm - Goodbye To Romance
I have a new journal! I am now beautifulpyre. Please add me to your friends list again! :) As for why I'm changing, I want to make my journal into a paid account, and I felt I'd rather have *my* name than this, which has come to mean little for me. Its also a way to express my reawakening and the joy I'm experiencing in my life at this time. I will be keeping this journal active for awhile, and later on, I'll probably give it away. Let me know if you'd like this name!

current mood: happy

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Tuesday, April 15th, 2003
2:04 am - Read at your own risk...
I assume no responsibility for feelings associated with reading this post.

intuitive erotic poetryCollapse )

current mood: disembodied

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1:29 am - Living reflection of a dream...
<td bgcolor="green">
You Are
Tangerine



You are a beautiful person, in a wistful kind of way. If you could, you would spend all your time daydreaming and writing poetry. You are a tragic beauty.



You are sensitive and caring, and you don't take insults well. You don't smile much, but when you do, you really mean it.



People like to be around you because you are a calming influence. You have an appreciation for all things beautiful, and you probably have some potted plants. You also most likely own a cat.



You like Sundays and hot tea. You will spend your entire life yearning for quiet beauty, which is a rarity in this world, so you read a lot.



Everyone you know thinks you're "nice."



Take the Which Led Zeppelin Song Are You? Quiz

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12:36 am - Teacups Full of Rain
Cate and I walk slowly through the damp grass beside the pond, winding our way between mist and pink and white petaled flowering trees. A brown mother duck swims with about fourteen fuzzy baby ducks, and quacks loudly when we get too close to the water's edge.

This evening I had a conversation all in writing and gestures with a deaf man who needed a place to say for a week because he had left his wife. He didn't read lips, so we wrote back and forth silently. When he decided he could not afford it, he wrote, "I might be able to borrow some money later, but anyway, forget it" and I wrote "Are you sure? I could hold it for you until later." He said he might be back and I said "Okay. Thank you!" He wrote "Welcome - you're very nice. Have a good day." And we smiled at each other. I like being able to communicate nonverbally.

current mood: and rations of ashes

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Sunday, April 13th, 2003
8:35 pm - Sacred Space
Are you interested in discussing the possibilities of creating a utopia for the magically inclined? Would you like to spend your days building, gardening, painting, writing, crafting and caring for animals?

If so, please join commongrounds, a new community about intentional communities and our journey towards creating a life of joy and simple abundance through cooperative self-sufficient farming.

current mood: jubilant

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12:55 pm - I need something to slow me down...
I have so much on my mind right now, I don't know what to do. I have too much going on. Too many things to do and too many thoughts.

I'm neglecting things I need to do, like either work on or disband the Neopets Guild, and fix Cantrap pages.

Yesterday I mused about how I might accurately portray myself to people online who don't know me very well. And then I wondered if that was even necessary, since a large part of my personality involves being secretive about my innermost thoughts and desires. And then I became afraid that this very fact would probably make me seem untrustworthy.

current mood: uncomfortable

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12:17 pm
I neglected to report yesterday that I found Madeleine's people. Surprise, surprise: it was the people with the skinny beagle that was left outside a lot for awhile. (I called Animal Control on them). I guess this would explain why Madeleine loved Cate so much and why Maddy was so skinny when we found her. *sigh* I miss her, even though she was an evil chewing machine. And Cate went haywire today when she saw a black lab.

current mood: sad

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Friday, April 11th, 2003
5:32 pm - Shameless Plug!
I've created my first community! Please check out commongrounds, a LiveJournal community about intentional communities!

current mood: giddy

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8:25 am - Creation...
Does anyone have a spare creation code I could have to make a community?

current mood: creative

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Wednesday, April 9th, 2003
2:32 pm - Black Dog (Insert Chaos Here)
Brian & Cate found a stray dog yesterday and she followed them home. So we now have a leggy black horse of a dog inserting chaos into nearly every aspect of our lives. Brian is calling her Madeleine.

Prior to that, my main focus was musings about creating an intentional community for magic users who are interested in community-sufficient farming. I've read up on many different kinds of communities, including cohousing communities and communities like Twin Oaks. This is something I would really like to do, if the funding can be achieved.

current mood: hungry

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Sunday, April 6th, 2003
8:15 pm - Happiness Surprises People
One of the most important things my mom ever taught me was well after I'd moved out and we were talking on the phone. She mentioned something about how she'd been smiling to herself that day and how people reacted to her mood with odd looks. She thought it was strange that people would be turned off by other people expressing their joy by smiling. This was an important lesson for me. I've noticed it too. Happiness seems to confound some people. I'll be smiling about something and people will ask me "What are you up to? What's there to be so happy about? Are you always this happy?" as if it were a novelty. I've also noticed that smiling draws people to you, especially if you are alone. Other people want to know what your source of joy is and want to connect to it because maybe its rare nowadays.

I was thinking today also...I really didn't understand the happiness I saw other people expressing towards each other until I met my husband. I truly didn't. A friend recently suggested that no one in love is truly happy and that if married, we definitely weren't happy. I was nearly offended by that accusation. I'm definitely happy now. I feel bad that my friend has become so bitter and jaded that he believes people who are truly happy with each other are deluding themselves. I have my ups and downs, personally; but when I'm with Brian, I'm very happy. He makes me feel secure and confident and comfortable in ways I never was before.

I know there are a lot of people out there who don't believe in love or happiness, or don't think they are real or attainable, who think love and happiness are stupid and resent others who express their emotions. I know because I used to feel that way. I used to look down on happy lovers. If I'm hokey or deluding myself, then so be it, because I feel great. I'm alive now. I can manage. I can attain. I've surprised myself with my own happiness.

current mood: talkative

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8:09 pm - I've discovered...
why I like hotels. If you've been reading my journal, you've probably noticed how often I mention dreams about houses with neverending rooms, and hotels are like that: lots of possibilities. Many doors, many nooks and crannies. Exciting things happen within hotels. I like that, and I like being able to observe so many different kinds of people.

current mood: mind racing

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6:53 pm - Totally gay blog thingie...
The following is my result on that totally gay hax0r thingamajig...Collapse )

What the crap does "sexor" mean???

And by the way, for those of you who are getting all pissy about my usage of the word gay (get a clue: it does NOT mean homosexual, you homophobes), by gay, I mean happily hokey. A line that's coming out of my mouth a lot lately is "What's all this happy horseshit?" And this is precisely the sort of thing I mean.

current mood: sleepy

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6:38 pm - Hotel Drama
I just realized I had neglected to report the following story from the hotel I work at:

Yesterday, a nearly blind man was robbed at our hotel...by a pregnant hooker. Shortly after she robbed him, she went into labor. Even worse, this was the second time this guy had been robbed that day. A friend of the victim came by to escort him home, but had to wait in the lobby while the victim spoke with the officers upstairs. During her wait, she proceded to have a discussion with imaginary people about the Conan movie on television.

current mood: amused

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5:54 pm - More hotel drama....
It honestly baffles me how many people, when I ask them if they want to look at our hotel rooms before checking in, will respond to my question with "No, we trust you." What the hell? I'm asking them if they want to see it; I never said the rooms were nice. Are these people on crack? I submit that they are.

current mood: annoyed

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12:37 pm - Plug!


My friend Eric runs this site. Its funny and stuff. I'm a contributor.

current mood: cheerful

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Thursday, April 3rd, 2003
2:20 pm


I amHastur!


The Unspeakable One is the master of those who seek to unveil the mysteries of death. It is through meditation upon the Yellow Sign that the devotee of Hastur seeks transcendence to the city-realm of dim Carcosa. Through a complex series of visualizations that expand the aspirants void-consciousness, the final age will arise. Ruled by the ominous King in Yellow, a new stage of reality will come to fruition. Of the Olde Ones, Hastur is considered to be one of the most difficult to work with, his teachings being reserved exclusively for the Cthonian Adepts and Lords.


Which Great Old One are you?


current mood: pleased

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Tuesday, April 1st, 2003
11:42 am - Good Sang Country
I don't think I can put how much I love sammhain into normal, rational words. Every little while he comes up with something new that completely surprises and amazes me. Its like there is always so much more of him discover and only once in awhile do I get to glimpse a bit more. His recent post is what inspired my latest episode of awe.

My evocation of The Muse is evolving and I now have a voluntary subject for cursing. I'm trying to decide what to do to him that will please me. I've been working with expanding my breath and will soon begin working on pranayama, followed by the Sun Salutation every more to increase my general health. M.E. has me seriously working on self-healing magic topics for Cantrap. Healing is a great talent of mine, but one that has remained dormant as I've not had a real reason to explore healing other people.

I found a wonderful herbal at Borders the other day which I can completely relate to as it mentions the uses of most of the Appalachian herbs I wildcrafted in West Virginia. Its called Blackberry Cove Herbal by Linda Ours Rago. I don't recommend it for beginners since it doesn't have pictures and descriptions of the plants and most of the recipes involve using the fresh plants. I've been thinking of West Virginia a lot lately and missing it greatly. There are so many wonderful plants in her woods: bloodroot, goldenseal, trilliums of all colors, wild ginger, jack-in-the-pulpit, American ginseng. I am familiar with them all and could put them to such good use. I feel so fortunate to have been trained in mountain mama magic.

current mood: nervous

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Monday, March 31st, 2003
9:31 pm - Cristo degli Abissi
I was recently reading about an incredible submerged statue at the mouth of the bay near San Fruttuoso, Genoa, Italy. Something about the idea of this Christ of the Abysses really fascinates and inspires me.

From a website about it:
"Every year at the end of August, anniversary of the laying of the statue in the sea, a suggestive ceremony takes place in the bay, in remembrance of the dead in the sea and those who devote their lives to the sea. The blessing of water, the procession at the light of torches, the immersion of scuba divers who reach the Christ and put a laurel wreath, the Mass celebrated on the foreshore: these are the most suggestive moments of the night when the Christ of Abysses is honoured."

This is going on my list of holy places to visit with Angkor Wat.

current mood: inspired

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Wednesday, March 26th, 2003
9:03 am - An Acceptable Time
More updates: Yes, we will soon have internet service back on at home. We're waiting for AOL to make up their minds about what they agreed to when they changed our rate to $9.95. We should know by Friday and if they don't honor their word, we'll go to another service. No big.

I finally had a lucid dream (a few nights ago) where I remembered something I wanted to try. I was running around in an unfamiliar woodsy neighborhood with Cate the beagle and became lucid as I looked at my feet and thought about how they didn't look like my *real* feet. I remembered I wanted to try doing a ritual in a dream and began looking for a clearing. Got distracted. I didn't manage to do one, but at least I got to the point where I remembered that I wanted to.

What else?

Well, I've got a lot of ideas for Cantrap.net and some for Prolefeed.com too. I'm tired of being stagnant. I want to get a body of work together. I'd like to submit to Elfwood.com. We'll see.

current mood: working

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